June 11, 2007

Kill Paulie Walnuts

The Stylephile shuddered with shock as the final episode of "The Sopranas" unfolded for just one reason: no one murdered the hell out of Paulie. Mr. Walnuts, with his choco-vanilla swirl coif and those cheap velour sweat suits, deserved to die hard and not so fast. Do recall: He drove Christopher to drink, plagued Tony with pointless "Remember when..." tales, and struck us as that unbearable Uncle who slips you a check for $50 for your high school graduation as he pinches your 17-year-old derriere. Come up with a toe-curling brutal end to the life of Paulie Walnuts, post it on TheStylephile.com and you could win $165 worth of Ole Henriksen skin care products, a favorite of Charlize Theron. A winner will be selected by 2:00 tomorrow. Be merciless and creative. ("By the nuts" puns are not recommended.)

June 11, 2007 in PICK OF THE DAY | Permalink

Comments

And the winner is... Cristina & Julie, who snuffed Paulie in a beauty parlor and left us with an unforgettable image: Paulie's white slip-ons spackled with brown dye. A fitting visual epitaph for a man who, somehow, thought he was as pure as his snowy white hair wings. THANKS to all for submitting -- I laughed my tushie off so many times. Cristina & Julie - are you like Siegfried & Roy? - pls. contact me to claim your prize. Best, Monica

Posted by Monica Corcoran | Jun 13 2007 4:05PM

Naturally, Paulie meets his end in a way that befits someone so fond of sweatsuits. Like all good whack-jobs, this one begins with Paulie being yanked off the street right after buying an ice-cream cone. He's then thrown into the back of a van and beaten unconscious. When he finally comes to, he's strapped to an excercise bicycle in the sauna of an abandoned gym. There's nothing but a television in the sauna with him. And it's playing the same Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tape over and over. Paulie soon learns that the only way to keep the temperature from rising is to pedal the exercycle like mad. Naturally, the heat and the exertion cause him to pass out repeatedly - giving the sauna an opportunity to get so hot, that it finally snuffs out little Paulie Walnuts. The camera pulls back, and we see Paulie, slumped over dead on the exercycle. His purple velour sweat suit completely drenched, his stringy, sweat-soaked grey and brown hair covering his face. As the camera continues to pull back through the window of the sauna, all we hear is the voice of Richard Simmons chanting "Come on now, no excuses! Let's see some sweat! I want to see you up and alive!"

Posted by Ashaw | Jun 13 2007 3:41PM

Posted by Ashaw | Jun 13 2007 3:34PM

With the TV turned to cable news in the background, Paulie sits at the big table in the "lunch/meeting" room, finishing up a tuna sub, muttering to himself about the new position he has accepted from T. The mysterious cat jumps up on the table, attracted by the rich smell of the tuna san'. Instant fury! Practically foaming at the mouth, Paulie spits out "I'm gonna get rid of you now, I don't care what T says, you big mangy puss!" He stands, pushing the chair back, and reaches down. Seemingly reaching for a weapon, No, he pulls out a moist towelette. A plastic packet of TicTacs falls to the table. Never taking his eyes off the cat, he rips open the hand wipe with his teeth, and fastidiously wipes his hands and face, discarding it with the paper wrapping from the sub. He tosses all of it across the room in the direction of the waste bucket where it lands in a perfect 3-pt shot. [In the background, the cable station sportscaster reviews the fifth and final game of the NBA playoffs - Manu Ginobili of the San Antonio Spurs sank a 3-pointer for the win the night before.] Paulie picks up and opens the TicTacs, and pops a couple in his mouth while carefully and steadily approaching the feline. Camera shifts to the picture of Christopher, then the cat that sits unblinkingly watching Paulie. Paulie suddenly CHOKES. He can't unstick the TicTacs! Writhing, twisting, contorting, clutching his throat, turning purple, sweat running down his face, he bounces around the room, finally collapsing onto the table where he's just eaten his last meal. Realizing he's dying, his lips form the word "Mamma". The camera moves in for a close-up. Drops of drool slowly slide out of the side of his mouth. The cat sashays over, leans in close, looks like it's going to lick the drool but stops short. Instead, it reaches out a paw to swat playfully at Paulie's 'wings'. Even after death, Paulie's body seems to react to the cat - his body falls to the floor and the startled cat follows. A lone TicTac falls out of Paulie's mouth and rolls slowly to the feet of the satisfied cat. The cable channel's Breaking News: "The partial remains of an adult male have washed up on the Jersey shore. Could this be the missing "Sopranos" director David Chase? We'll be following that and other news after this break. Stay tuned."

Posted by fabu | Jun 13 2007 10:38AM

Paulie sees Phil Leotardo walk through the door. Realizing the hit on Phil took out Phil's twin brother, Paulie knows his time is up. The rest of his hair turns as white as his wings, and we hear the cat purring as a gunshot rings out in the darkness.

Posted by Suzanne R. | Jun 13 2007 6:52AM

The advanced stages of syphillis that Paulie caught from the hooker he fell head over heels for years ago begin to take its toll. With its advancement he grows more and more paranoid, and feels more and more guilty. Christophers cat begins to mimic and watch his every move until he finally chases the cat into traffic and Paulie is run over by a bus as well as a garbage truck from one of his made men and he is crushed beyond recognition. The cat makes it through the traffic and lives to see another season.

Posted by normanechapman@gmail.com | Jun 13 2007 5:25AM

Paulie, exhausted from the bad blood with Phil Leotardo, needs a break. A friend of Christopher's invites him to Vegas to celebrate Paris Hilton''s release from jail at The Palms. In a moment of youthful exuberance, Paulie and Paris make wild, crazy monkey love; so many crazy positions, it puts the Kama Sutra to shame. Paulie returns home to N.J. with serious muscle pain. He lathers on so much Icy Hot that he dies from an overdose of methyl salicyate. Bada Bing....

Posted by froggie10019 | Jun 13 2007 2:32AM

Walnuts Must Dye! We know Paulie is obsessed with his own aging and mortality. That's why he originally declined Tony's offer to "skipper" the big job in the final episode: He said there was a curse and that everyone who moved up died. So Paulie continues to obsess about aging, death, dying ... and that cat at the Bing seems to know something he doesn't. He comes up with the idea of recapturing his younger days: by turning back the clock on his signature skunk patches. That's right, Walnuts is getting a dye job! Or, should we say, die job... At the beauty salon, the hairdresser who’s applying Miss Clairol to Paulie’s pompadour is also gossiping with her clientele of (primarily) old ladies. Distracted, she gets a squirt of "Think Mink" in his eye. Eye stinging, Paulie leaps from his chair ("Maddon!") and stumbles toward the sink. He trips on a purse that's resting at the feet of one of the old ladies. We see Paulie do a "Million Dollar Baby" fall into the row of hairdryers. And the last shot is of an overturned bottle of dye staining his formerly immaculate, painstakingly polished white slip-on shoes.

Posted by Cristina & Julie | Jun 12 2007 6:35PM

Paulie stops at the Paramus Park mall to pick up some wife beaters at G+G+G. A group of young thugs are lurking around looking to cause some damage. Low and behold, they decide to light the baseball hat kiosk on fire. As Paulie slowly eats his funnel cake on the bench next to the kiosk his velour track suit goes up in flames. More concerned with the state of his do and the funnel cake, he forgets to tuck and roll. He’s dead! Fried like a pickle in front of Mandee’s. Bye bye Paulie boy! Your mama be waitin for you in HeavON.

Posted by cecil K. | Jun 12 2007 5:19PM

Tony's enduring yet another 'back in the good old days' tale from Paulie as they drink beers in the office. Paulie forgets his place and reminisces about the time he screwed Tony's mom in the meat locker at the butcher shop. Tony loses it. He throws Paulie on the desk, mounts him, breaks off the beer bottle-- and cuts Paulie's tongue out with the bottle. He then pushes the tongue down Paulie's throat. Paulie chokes to death on himself as Tony says,n"Thanks for the memories, Paulie."

Posted by Rae | Jun 12 2007 4:35PM

Paulie breaks both arms when the carny ride at the San Genaro Festival breaks down and he's tossed to the pavement. Back at "work" with both arms in casts he's fixated on the cat, who continues to stare at Christopher's picture. When he's alone he takes a swipe at the cat with his casts only to miss. The cat leaps at Paulie who falls to the ground in fear, the cat perches on his chest. The cat proceeds to suck the air and life out of Paulie, finally proving for once, Paulie was right about something.

Posted by catchyoulater | Jun 12 2007 3:56PM

If you want to get rid of Paulie; Soprano's style! Tony Soprano would have two of his guys get him and cut his nuts off and stick it in his mouth for being a rat.. Then dump him over the Brooklyn bridge.. Now! Tony Soprano and the rest of the crew have their own remember when story....

Posted by Tony C. at aacnyc@yahoo.com | Jun 12 2007 2:50PM

Paulie's life is a living hell. Let him live.

Posted by Ann | Jun 12 2007 2:31PM

Tony tells Paulie and Christopher to whack a guy who''s crossed Tony a little too often. After they have done the deed, they go to the usual butcher shop andf start hacking up the body to feed into the meat grinder - sausages are coming out the other end. Just then Christopher gets a call from Tony who says two things

Posted by Mr Voice | Jun 12 2007 2:24PM

Paulie turns Tony down once again while sitting outside of the restaurant. Tony is miffled so he threatens to offer it to his colleague. Paulie explains that the leader of that crew always dies early. He reluctantly accepts the job. As he closes his mouth a black 1984 Lincoln Continental slowly drives by. It stops and backs to a spot in front of the two. They see the barrell of a shotgun and attempt to dive out of harm's way. Tony makes it into the restaurant. Too late for Paulie. He's shot in the leg and left without weaponry as he falls along the side of the building. They push him into the car and drive off. They unload him into a building where they shave his head slowly as they make him watch. He's force fed gin by the gulps. He's tipsy. Someone brings in the CAT. Paulie is held down and forced to watch the cat as he maneuvers around the floor. They force feed Paulie catfood. A ruger is put to the back of his head and he goes out with a bang!!!!

Posted by Tieuel Legacy | Jun 12 2007 2:13PM

i have no choice but to send "Azamat" to do the job. He's the producer of Borat's movie and is seen wrestling Borat bare-assed in his last movie. At one point he nearly suffocated Borat to death by sitting on his face with the hairiest buttocks known to man. It's a sufficiently smelly, slow, humiliating death for the likes of Paulie.

Posted by christal | Jun 12 2007 2:11PM

After leaving Satriale''s, Paul goes home for the evening and is settling in to watch the TV that he took from his mother/aunt. The TV keeps going to black, much like the end of the final episode, so Pauly calls the cable service and begins swearing at them. They advise him to unplug his cable box and then plug it in again (Time Warner Cable in New York City, anyone?) While doing so, Pauly looks up and sees the same image of the Virgin Mary that he saw at the Bing. Startled, he pulls on the wrong plug and electrocutes himself. He convulses, then falls dead. All of his hair has gone white and smoke curls up from his jump suit. The camera pulls away to reveal the cat, licking its paws outside the window of Pauly''s place.

Posted by Lauren | Jun 12 2007 1:45PM

Paulie is sitting at the restaurant with Tony for the final scene (just like the way they did end it but instead of the family it is just Tony and Paulie). Tony gets up and goes to the bathroom. A few moments later the Russian walks in (the one who disappeared when Paulie and Christopher shot him in the snowy woods a few seasons back). Paul gives a “woof – oh crap” sound before the Russian attacks him with his bear hands killing Paulie. Tony walks out of the bathroom and shoots the Russian believing that it was a hit and not revenge on the Russian’s part.

Posted by Asher | Jun 12 2007 1:18PM

Kill Paulie Walnuts: The Revenge of Christopher! In spite of Christopher’s untimely demise at the hands of our anti-hero Tony, his revenge is sweet and ironic from beyond the grave. Driven to madness by yard doughnuts, comments like, “Club Soda is for fags!”, and the world’s ugliest hair-do, Christopher angrily munches on beef jerky and sits in his apartment one morning, watching the original Batman on HBO. He suddenly sits up, and, with a gleam in his eye, opens up with an evil laugh - BWA Ha Ha Ha! Inspired by the painted madness of the Joker, he formulates a plan for the end of Paulie Walnuts. A direct hit to Mr. Nuts is impossible; he’s a made man after all… but an untraceable combination of poisonous health products is the perfect way to dispatch our vain yet still overwhelmingly unattractive friend. One day Christopher walks into the Bada Bing! with a gift basket for Paulie – he wants to put an end to their latest feud. Paulie, of course, accepts. He cannot resist the heady mixture of hair pomade, cuticle cream, and Axe body spray. Unfortunately, Christopher careens off the road to his death in a pool of blood before he can see the results of his dastardly chemistry experiment. At Christopher’s funeral, Paulie begins to feel a little itchy. Maybe it’s the new cologne he just used for the first time today – you know, the one where women chase you down the street when you’re wearing it. His thoughts of a threesome with the two nubile blondes in the next row are cut short as he suddenly grips his scalp in pain. It feels like fire shooting from his winged hair! His skin starts to bubble, his body begins to shake. People are now staring in horror! Then, like something out of Raiders of the Lost Arc, his face liquefies and melts all over his shiny shiny suit. His body explodes in a mass of gore all over the Astroturf surrounding the burial site! Just as the congregants begin fleeing the cemetery, a yellow cat walks around the newly carved grave… and appears to be smiling.

Posted by The Redhead | Jun 12 2007 1:10PM

The Jewish guys who owned the hotel get word that Tony's crew is getting taken out. They have a special hatred for Paulie. They break into his house and wait for him to come home. When he enters he finds his white shoes laid out in a line. As he looks around one of them comes from behind and tries to smother him with the pastic cover from his couch. The other stabs him in the chest. He falls back on the couch (now getting stained with his blood) and he looks up to his mother's picture (who transforms into the Virgin Mary). The cat that Paulie hated walks in through the open door and settles on his chest - looking at him and purring. Paulie is dying slowly and can't move. The guys get ready to leave and realize they have blood on their clothes. They take two of Paulie's tracksuits and put them on and walk out the door. ZZtop music plays as they drive away.

Posted by I had to fix my spelling | Jun 12 2007 1:09PM

A bizarre incident today at a local Go-Go bar, the Bada Bing resulting in the death of one Peter Paul Gualtieri (aka Paulie Walnuts). Mr. Gualtieri was found alone in the back of the bar at approximately 11:30 AM with a broom stick impaled through his chest cavity. A cat was also found in the room which seemed to have suffered some scratches on its tail. It seems that Mr. Gualtieri may have been chasing the cat out of the back room with the broom when he tripped over a chair and landed square on the handle of the wooden broom. The corner reports that death was most likely instantaneous as the handle perforated his heart and lungs. Mr. Gualtieri has long been suspected of being involved with Italian crime families of the area, but has never been definitively linked. Survived by his Aunt, there will be a private service for family and close friends. The cat will remain at the Bada Bing in memory of Pulie Walnuts and has been renamed : Paulie.

Posted by New Jersey Chronicle Reports Bizarre Dea | Jun 12 2007 1:08PM

Paulie getting a tan in front of Satriales decides he's gotta kill the damn cat! So he grabs the broom and chases it into the street. Out of nowhere a pit bull breaks loose from his owner and attacks Paulie. The cat gets away but the pit bull is biting chunks out of Paulies head and stops suddenly, spitting out the black and grey hair dye. Paulie still alive stumbles to his feet and starts to try to get back to Satriales but before he can cross the street he's run over by a Purina cat chow truck.

Posted by Alexmontrose | Jun 12 2007 1:07PM

you have GOT to be kidding. Paulie Walnuts is the best character on the show-- they should have killed Tony and made Paulie boss. The only way Paulie should have died is: while on a trip to Los Angeles to threaten a producer who owes Christopher money from Cleaver, Paulie bleeds to death from a paper cut incurred while beating a Variety journalist to death with a rolled-up print version of the magazine, at the valet pick-up at the Peninsula Hotel.

Posted by e-rock | Jun 12 2007 1:07PM

Paulie and Tony are sitting at the bar at Bada-Bing throwing back some beers. Syl is at the register counting the money and watching the girls do their thing. All is good with the world. One of the dancers moves towards Paulie, her oversized breasts hanging down, and puts her arms around his neck. He is pleasantly surprised and Tony laughs. Syl continues to count. The door opens and Christopher walks in, a large cleaver (similar to the one on his movie poster) in his hand and moves towards the men. “Hey look what I have a prop from the movie,” he exclaims as he wields the cleaver. “Leave it alone Chris, can’t you see I’m busy,” Paulie yells out, as her lap dance continues. “Come here Christopher, let me check it out,” Tony summons. Tony removes the cleaver from Chris’ hands and begins to wield it – samurai style. The lap dancer is intrigued, stops what she is doing and removes it from Tony. She begins to play with it on Paulie. “Cut it out, get back to business,” Paulie pushes the cleaver away. She yanks back suddenly, puts the cleaver to his throat and boom…his head rolls from his neck onto the floor of the club. “Jesus, I must have f***ed up,” Christopher states as he watches the head slam into the bar.

Posted by Trendy Chick | Jun 12 2007 12:56PM

Paulie goes to the Salon to get his hair "done". His "girl who normally does his hair is out on vacation. Gina the substitute - niece of the salon''s owner so Paulie is told - is acutally the cousin of Phil. Gina puts lye on Paulie''s hair and then intentionally splashes the lye into Paulies eyes. He screams in pain, runs out of the salon and tries to drive. He goes blind on the Garden State Parkway and does not survive the crash. Death ruled a vehicular homicide.

Posted by Jill | Jun 12 2007 12:51PM

Paulie is helping an old lady cross the street when he is hit head-on by an attractive 30-something woman in an SUV. She was distracted when the red shorthair cat she had rescued escaped from its box on the front seat. Of course, the old lady escapes and the younger woman is distraught at having hit this "good samaritan." The cat jumps out of the car and pauses to take a look before taking off. It is the last thing Paulie sees before his eyes roll back in his head.

Posted by susan secunda | Jun 12 2007 12:51PM

typed my Paulie story in a rush

Posted by sorry about my spelling | Jun 12 2007 12:49PM

Teh Jewish guys who owned the hotel get word that Tony's crew is getting taken out. They have a special hatred for Paulie. They break it his house and wait for him to come home. Whne he enters he finds his whiote shoes laid out in a line. WAs he looks around one of them comes from behind and tries to smother him with the pastic cover from his couch. The other stabs him in the chest. he falls back on the couch (now getting stained with his blood) and he looks up to his mother's picture (who transforms into the Virgin Mary). The cat that Paulie hated walks in through the open door and settles on his chest - looking at him and purring. PAulie is dying slowly and cant move. The guys get ready to leave and realize they have blood on their clothes. they take two of Paulie's tracksuits and put them on and walk out the door. ZZtop music plays as they drive away.

Posted by gets this by accident and never unsubscr | Jun 12 2007 12:47PM